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Ranking the Job Security of Every Remaining Bachelor Contestant

I graduated college in 2010, and back then, there was a grave warning, as we were about to enter the work force: Be careful what you put online. Nearly 80% of employers Google your name once they receive your application

Fair advice, and I’d like to think I have a clean enough internet presence to not have completely damned my career prospects, even after the final 20% of employers learned how to Google.

The Bachelor, on the other hand, is a different animal, indeed: it boasts some 6.5+ million weekly viewers, and brings with it a kind of infamy that’s often made me wonder how, when, or if its contestants can return to a “normal” job.

This week, to answer those questions, I’ve created an algorithm to rank each remaining contestant, in terms of job security (Job Title + Behavior on National Television = Job Security).

From safest to blacklisted, here are my findings.

1.) Alexis – Aspiring Dolphin Trainer

Can’t get fired from a dream.

Alexis keeps playing chess, while everyone else is playing checkers.

2.) Whitney – Pilates Instructor

If a Pilates Instructor falls on The Bachelor, but no one saw her on camera, did it even make a sound?

3.) Kristina – Dental Hygienist

If we look at this on face value, Kristina is in the bottom half of rehires, because a Bachelor contestant does not respect her mouth in the way a dental hygienist should, especially on Nick Viall’s season. My dental hygienist, for example, is a humorless woman in her 50’s with boney fingers, who treats non-flossers like they’re a Puritan child that laughed in church.

But wake up: Kristina is not a dental hygienist. She’s a KGB Agent, sent to infiltrate the last sacred institution of American life, learn our secrets, and drop them on Putin’s doorstep. Blood in, blood out—and that’s a career for life.

4.) Astrid – Plastic Surgery Office Manager

Maybe it’s just me, but couldn’t ABC just put “Office Manager?” Why specify “Plastic Surgery Office Manager?” The responsibilities seem the same as any other office, just replace “stationary” with “collagen.” It’s unnecessarily uppity, especially considering that, not only is Astrid’s job safe, but she’s in line for a promotion: unlike much of America, the people in a Plastic Surgery Office don’t frown on reality television (because they physically can’t). Raise coming her way.

5.) Raven – Fashion Boutique Owner

How does a 25-year-old own anything, never mind a fashion boutique? I’m 28, and all I have to my name is a used acoustic guitar that needs a neck replacement, and an X-Box 360 from sophomore year of college. I’m crippled by student loans, and would sell my blood, urine, or hair, if you know anyone who’s looking. I am not so Raven, unlike Raven, who is the most Raven.

(It bares noting that I’m so taken by the sweet molasses of Raven’s accent that I’d hire that black-haired pixie to read my last living will and testament. She could prepare it, if she wanted. Not much to divvy up.)

6.) Corinne – Business Owner

These are facts about Corinne: she runs a multi-million-dollar corporation, she’s “not privileged in any way, shape, or form,” and she’s the Michael Jordan of taking naps. Or one of the Michael Jordan’s of taking naps. (The other Michael Jordan is Michael Joran, and the other Michael Jordan is Abraham Lincoln.)

We know all this because Corinne tells us, whenever possible. But here’s what else we know: she doesn’t waste time slicing cucumbers or making cheese pasta like some penniless jabroni, and she’s willing to trade toplessness for validation, in the form of roses. Say what you will, but that’s the the type of extra mile attitude that separates the goods from the greats: it’s why Corinne’s running a multi-million-dollar corporation, and you do your own laundry.

The argument against Corinne? Even her father has a breaking point—and if there’s a God in heaven, we’ll find out what that is.

7.) Danielle L. – Small Business Owner

Don’t like the sound of that “small” before the “business owner,” simply based on Corinne’s listing as “business owner,” unqualified by size. Business is fickle like that, and unfortunately, Danielle stands in political limbo: as an American small business owner, she’s pro-Trump, and as a mixed-race female, she must burn him in effigy.

Luckily for Danielle, if she holds pat, none of that will matter—at least for the next 18 to 36 months.  She’s my frontrunner for the next Bachelorette, and who knows? Maybe we’ll all be dead by the time those fifteen minutes run out!

8.) Jasmine G. – Professional Basketball Dancer

I don’t know much about the world of professional basketball dancing, but I do know this: by the time you’re 29 years old, you’re essentially mutton. Despite being a career that may be aided by Bachelor-related publicity, Jasmine’s been trying to stay one step ahead of the Grim Reaper since the day she could rent a car. Even her dignified performance to this point can’t save her now. As it turns out, professional basketball player is a more secure vocation than professional basketball dancer.

 

9.) Danielle M. – Neonatal Nurse

Do we all drop babies from time to time? Sure. That’s just an occupational hazard of being a neonatal nurse, or a parent, or an attendee at a neighborhood block party. But the reasons for that should be clumsiness, or weak upper body strength, or because you’re a little drunk.

Nurses are overworked and underpaid as it is, but if they’re also moonlighting as a sister-wife, that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen (a law suit which won’t be filed by Rachel, for reasons yet to come).

10.) Josephine – Registered Nurse

Whatever applies to Danielle M. also applies to Josephine, but with an extra caveat: the second-hand embarrassment of last week’s singing performance is an automatic pass from any self-respecting HR Department.

 

11.) Jaimi – Chef

On-screen behavior aside, there’s an automatic full letter deduction from a restaurant’s health code if their chef made an appearance on The Bachelor. Combine that with physical intimacy with Nick Viall—and, through transitive property, thirty other individuals who willingly filled out an application—and we just went from an “A” to a “D.” In an industry where nearly 60% of new businesses fail, that’s a death sentence for the modern restaurateur. Simple dollars and cents, Jaimi. You’re out.

12.) Rachel – Attorney

Texted a lawyer friend, asking if he thought an appearance on The Bachelor could adversely affect a career in law. His thoughts?  Nothing says even-keeled confidant like getting Chardonnay drunk and begging a stranger to kiss you.

Followed by: And we thought Corinne was the only one who charged by the hour.

(By lawyer-humor-standard, pure gold.)

My thought is this: Rachel grew up in society, then pushed out to the frontier, and ended up in the Wild West. She once abided by the courtroom’s policies, procedures, and standards of conduct, but now, she answers only to an outlaw’s code. She’s known the freedom of lawlessness, where disputes are settled the old-fashion way (wine-throwing).

You don’t just ride right from the open plains back into the courtroom, Desperado.

13.) Vanessa – Special Education Teacher

Does The Bachelor air in Canada? I’m still skeptical by Vanessa’s seeming normalness, so if we’re not beaming this masterpiece of American theater across the border, maybe we all do Vanessa a solid and keep her appearance on the DL. Think of the kids!

But, if Canada does get it, she’s out. Can’t expect students to listen to Vanessa after they’ve watched her throw up, then make out, in zero gravity. Pink slip city, coming Vanessa’s way.

14.) Sarah – Grade School Teacher

In 2017, your average American grade school student has a working knowledge of the internet on par with Julian Assange. They’re a generation of sausage-fingered computer hackers, and there is nothing they can’t find—and out of their sinister curiosity, there is nothing they won’t find.

Despite Sarah’s gold-star behavior to this point, she will slip up, because reality television is undefeated, and when she does, @GlenbrookElementrary_Memes will take its pound of flesh.

 

15.) Taylor – Mental Health Counselor

Much of what we’ve talked about today comes down to skills as a decision-maker (or lack thereof), and I think we can all agree that a Mental Health Counselor on The Bachelor is like a pacifist training to cage fight. Red Flag City, Population: Taylor.

In another way, though, it makes a sort of demented sense: she’s Jim Cantori, going into the heart of the storm, and if she could conceivably analyze, diagnose, and assist Corinne, Taylor would reach a Freudian level of notoriety. Earn her double black belt in Mental Health Counseling.

But then the theoretical met the practical, and Taylor tried to match wits with the buzz saw that is Corinne. An alleged professional, Taylor was out maneuvered in this sexually-tinged game of RISK, giving up ground (and clients, one assumes) at every turn.

According to Corinne, there is only one way to settle this dispute—with face punching—and if we extrapolate from the clips of “Next Week On…,” Taylor’s practice is now a ghost town that makes Roanoke in 1590 look welcoming.

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