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A Haiku on Every Remaining Bachelor Contestant

Three weeks in, and The Bachelor has been simply Shakespearean: love, lust, palace intrigue, premarital sex, marine life, zero gravity, white wine, a bouncy castle, and Carl Lewis.

Now, to pay homage to the infinite possibility of love, here is this week’s episode, translated into verse…

 

Nick

Wedding: Liz. Sex. Sin.

Forgive me, twenty girlfriends!

French kissing. Penance.

 

Alexis

Dolphin? Self-proclaimed.

A shark. Eats minnows, gets rose.

Name called. “Move, bitches.”

 

Astrid

Less support, less speed.

But last shall soon be first. Prize?

A hot tub make out.

 

Brittany

Go, bob cut! Go far!

Waste not on early face time!

Old producers’ trick.

 

Christen

With wisdom teeth cheeks,

you talk, you gossip, you kiss.

Fleetwood Mac: Rumors.

 

Corinne

Whipped nanny, whipped Nick.

Brightest star, burns short, burns bold.

Drink, kiss, nap, repeat.

 

Danielle L.

Dance beautifully, slow.

You are my fi-re, the one…

Plan B: Nick Carter.

 

Danielle M.

Last week? One-on-one.

Tall glass of water, Nick drank.

A thirst quenched, no date.

 

Jaimi

Bull nose ring, tattoos.

Bi-curious. Bach-curious.

A guess? Not Nick’s type…

 

Jasmine G.

Lights up, Corrinne weeps.

You: move like the wind. Nick thinks:

Metaphor for sex.

 

Josephine

Credits roll, you sing.

Second hand embarrassment.

How are you still here?

 

Kristina

Accent. Confusing.

Kentucky, via Moscow.

Trump’s America.

 

Rachel

Finish line, so close.

Ring, so far. Taste of defeat.

(Da-feet moved too fast.)

 

Raven

Southern hands, sun screen.

Generous application.

Ladies is pimps, too.

 

Sarah

Network crossover:

girl from Modern Family,

competes for a rose.

 

Taylor

Mental Health Counselor

takes arms against the mental.

Come faster, next week!

 

Vanessa

With you, I’m weightless.

Sick first date. (Literally).

Your kiss? “Still tastes fine.”

 

Whitney

Who are you again?

Not joking: which one are you?

I cannot recall.

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